On the February 25 broadcast of tvN variety show You Quiz on the Block, Heo Gayoon appeared as a guest. She has been living in Bali for three years since 4Minute disbanded.
Heo Gayoon became a trainee at 14 and endured school bullying with a single-minded determination to debut. She debuted as the main vocalist of 4Minute in 2009, but the group disbanded before reaching the so-called “7-year curse.”
After the group disbanded, Heo Gayoon switched to acting. She confessed that the question she hated the most at the time was “What are you up to these days?” Although people asked without much thought, “It was very hard to say because I wasn’t doing anything.”
Heo Gayoon described that period as “enduring it took a toll on my health.” “It started with insomnia. At first I thought, ‘Does being awake longer increase appetite?’ but later I realized I was suffering from binge eating disorder. Before that, I never once had the urge to buy snacks at convenience stores. At that time, I just grabbed everything — lunch boxes, bread, snacks — and went back two or three times. It’s not the same as an increase in appetite. My hands shook even though I wasn’t hungry and I couldn’t feel full. I didn’t even realize it was harmful. I only stopped when my stomach hurt from feeling like it was going to burst. Until then, I kept going,” she recounted her binge eating symptoms.
Heo Gayoon suffered from binge eating disorder for seven years. One day, after seeing her swollen face in the mirror, she cried and realized the severity of her condition. “I couldn’t tell anyone I had binge eating disorder, but I told my parents for the first time that I wanted to get treatment,” she revealed.
She continued, “The doctor said I have strong perfectionist traits and high compulsiveness, which is common in people trained from a young age like idols or athletes. Like a rubber band that breaks if stretched too much, constant self-control can cause that part of the brain to malfunction. You can’t sleep well and develop various symptoms. That’s when I realized how strong my obsession and control issues were.” She added, “Since I was 14, I was constantly evaluated. People only pointed out flaws, saying things like ‘Don’t greet like that.’ I have poor eyesight and would squint without realizing it, and that was criticized too. So I had no choice but to control myself.”
Around the fourth year of enduring binge eating disorder, Heo Gayoon faced another shock. She was 31 at the time. “While struggling to live, I got a call from my parents saying my brother suddenly passed away. One day he suddenly collapsed. A heart condition was discovered, and he was scheduled for surgery, but I got the news three days before the operation,” she revealed. Her brother was only 33 years old.
Heo Gayoon said that after her brother’s death, the question “Do you have siblings?” was the hardest to answer. “I was not born an only child, but now I am. I feel a loneliness I never felt before as a child.”
She also said, “That day, it didn’t feel real at all. You get to see the final moments of a loved one for the first time. After the cremation, his body was wrapped up tightly, which felt suffocating. ‘Why is my brother wrapped like this?’ The color of his face was so different from the others that it suddenly hit me. That was when I truly accepted that he was gone. I can’t forget that.” Tears welled up as she shared this. She also confessed that one hurtful comment from her grieving parents was “If it were not for you, we would want to follow him.”
As she sorted through her brother’s house, she was heartbroken to find unopened electronics and even ramen bundles—brand new. Her brother worked in the fashion industry and leaving this world at a young age, she thought, “Why did I hold back? Why did I postpone everything? I should have lived recklessly.”
After experiencing her brother’s death, Heo Gayoon decided, “From now on, even if I die tomorrow, I want to live happily. I want to live differently.” She shared, “Actually, change wasn’t easy at first. Even after my brother passed, I couldn’t change. But the moment I arrived in Bali, it happened. The symptoms I was suffering from eased. When I returned to Korea, the symptoms came back again. I just decided to live in Bali for two months, but then I was sure this is where I had to live. Everything—from traveling to settling down—happened within three months. Normally, I would have asked my parents or friends, but I booked the plane ticket on my own and everything moved quickly.”
When asked about her daily life in Bali, Heo Gayoon said, “I don’t do much. I wake up very early, go to the sea to surf. The waves are best around 6 or 7 a.m. Then I eat with friends, shower, and sometimes surf again around 4 p.m. Other times I work out alone. After dinner, I go to bed around 8 or 9 p.m. and wake up at 4 or 5 a.m. In the past, I couldn’t stand idle time, but in Bali, empty time is not empty. Everything is new—the nature, everything. So time flies. Even when it’s completely empty, my mind and heart feel full.”
When asked to compare her life before and after living in Bali, she said, “In Korea, I molded myself to become a singer rather than getting to know myself. In Bali, it’s time to get to know myself and discover what kind of person I am. ‘Oh, I liked this too,’ ‘I had this kind of personality.’ I thought I could never be alone, but I realized I like doing things alone. But because I was always under control, I didn’t realize these things.” She expressed her affection for life in Bali.
She added, “The reason I’m here is thanks to my brother; I think he gave me a gift, an awakening. From now on, I will do fun things right away without hesitation, and live boldly and fearlessly,” sharing her plans for the future.